Saturday, May 30, 2015

Big Ban Theory!

Indian government’s favorite pass- time these days is to use the magic word “Ban-Ban”! Ban this, Ban that! It seems we are vying for the first place to become the Ban-Republic of the world. With the avalanche of bans toppling over my head, I try to work out a list of 10 bans currently being most talked about.

1)      The Beef-Ban- the government in Maharashtra has passed the beef ban to join a host of other states where it is already banned. The central government apparently respects the sentiments of the rest of Indians for the time being and is not imposing a pan India ban. How about ordering some butter chicken and Seekh-kababs tonight, they might get banned someday soon too.

2)      Cuss Words -   Lesbian- Oops! I said it. The dialogue containing the word lesbian was muted in the movie ‘Dum Lagake Haisha’. Our ultra-sensitive film censor board found it offensive! Come on!  What kind of morons do we have at the Censor Board anyway? They released a list of cuss words that are to be banned in Bollywood from now on. Even the word ‘Bombay’ is banned. We listen to more beeps and muted words then dialogues these days because everything in India is banned. Hai Ram! (Wait; is that a banned word too?)

Cuts recommended by CBFC,’ in the movie Dum Laga ke Haisha

3)      Foreigners- Party toh banta hai boss! But make sure there are no “foreigners” on your guest list! The Karnataka government has put a ban on parties in Karnataka with foreign invitees. Allegedly they behave inappropriately. Our members of parliament can give tutorials on good conduct with their exemplary behavior, no?

4)      Bikinis- In the neighboring state of Goa, the government plans to ban bikinis and drinking on the beach. Tourism be dammed!

Beaches in Goa


5)      India’s Daughter- What a government cannot control, a government bans. We Indians are clever, we work around them. Everyone watched the banned BBC documentary online and mortals like myself even went further and blogged about it.

6)      Films- Films inappropriate for us delicate Indians like: Un-Freedom, Final Solution, Water, Fire, Bandit Queen, Garam Hawa, Black Friday were all initially banned. Some were lucky and got released later. These movies make you react and think, so the government banned them. Movies like Tees Maar Khan, Chandni chowk to China, Himmatwalla, just numb your brain with their vulgarity and crass so they need not be banned. Logic anyone?

7)      Homosexuality- Homosexuality is banned in India. Being gay makes you a criminal (According to section 377). It was proposed by Lord Macaulay in 1860. He said it was unnatural. Tim Cook CEO Apple Inc., Giorgio Armani, Luxembourg's prime minister are all criminals in the eyes of the Indian Law. Falling in love may put you behind bars in India while the real criminals ride into the sunset.

Vikram Seth

8)      Dance Bars- Dance bars, dancing girls, in fact dancing in general in Mahanagar Mumbai is banned under section 33B. Wait a minute, doesn’t Mumbai host the likes of FilmFare Award shows where our desi boys dance- Are they doing illegal activities? There is a lot of confusion regarding this ban on what is allowed and what is considered obscene. I just threw my dancing shoes away, you too best do that. While in Mumbai do as Mumbaikers do, right?



9)      Lingerie on mannequins - Lingerie clad mannequins in shop windows are banned in Mumbai and Pune.  Men get immoral thoughts on seeing them; boys become rapists, so says the wise Mumbai Municipal Corporator. My, my.

10)    Ban on Freedom Of speech- IIT-Madras bans student groups for criticizing PM Modi and his policies, this is the latest ban to make headlines.

      And I better shut up now and close this list before the cops come knocking on my door and the authorities decide to ban blogging. Let me put on my Ray-Bans. There is too much of a kill-joy atmosphere going around for my liking. No eating, no drinking, no dancing, no loving. What do  mere mortals like me do then? Sing Chee Chee Ban Ban to the tune of the 60s Hollywood number called Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!

P.S-And Maggi now to join the Ban-Wagon.I am going to have mine lead and all! 

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