Indian government’s favorite pass- time these days is to use
the magic word “Ban-Ban”! Ban this, Ban that! It seems we are vying for the
first place to become the Ban-Republic of the world. With the avalanche of bans
toppling over my head, I try to work out a list of 10 bans currently being most
talked about.
1)
The Beef-Ban- the government in Maharashtra
has passed the beef ban to join a host of other states where it is already
banned. The central government apparently respects the sentiments of the rest of
Indians for the time being and is not imposing a pan India ban. How about
ordering some butter chicken and Seekh-kababs tonight, they might get banned
someday soon too.
2)
Cuss Words - Lesbian- Oops! I said it. The dialogue
containing the word lesbian was muted in the movie ‘Dum Lagake
Haisha’. Our ultra-sensitive film censor
board found it offensive! Come on! What kind of morons do we have at the Censor Board anyway? They released a list of cuss
words that are to be banned in Bollywood from now on. Even the word ‘Bombay’ is
banned. We listen to more beeps and muted words then dialogues these days
because everything in India is banned. Hai Ram! (Wait; is that a banned word
too?)
 |
| Cuts recommended by CBFC,’ in the movie Dum Laga ke Haisha |
3)
Foreigners- Party toh banta hai boss! But
make sure there are no “foreigners” on your guest list! The Karnataka
government has put a ban on parties in Karnataka with foreign invitees.
Allegedly they behave inappropriately. Our members of parliament can give tutorials
on good conduct with their exemplary behavior, no?
4)
Bikinis- In the neighboring state of Goa,
the government plans to ban bikinis and drinking on the beach. Tourism be
dammed!
 |
| Beaches in Goa |
5)
India’s Daughter- What a government
cannot control, a government bans. We Indians are clever, we work around them.
Everyone watched the banned BBC documentary online and mortals like myself even
went further and blogged about it.
6)
Films- Films inappropriate for us
delicate Indians like: Un-Freedom, Final Solution, Water, Fire, Bandit Queen,
Garam Hawa, Black Friday were all initially banned. Some were lucky and got
released later. These movies make you react and think, so the government banned
them. Movies like Tees Maar Khan, Chandni chowk to China, Himmatwalla, just
numb your brain with their vulgarity and crass so they need not be banned.
Logic anyone?
7)
Homosexuality- Homosexuality is banned in
India. Being gay makes you a criminal (According to section 377). It was
proposed by Lord Macaulay in 1860. He said it was unnatural. Tim Cook CEO Apple
Inc., Giorgio Armani, Luxembourg's prime minister are all criminals in the eyes
of the Indian Law. Falling in love may put you behind bars in India while the
real criminals ride into the sunset.
 |
| Vikram Seth |
8)
Dance Bars- Dance bars, dancing girls, in
fact dancing in general in Mahanagar Mumbai is banned under section 33B. Wait a
minute, doesn’t Mumbai host the likes of FilmFare Award shows where our desi
boys dance- Are they doing illegal activities? There is a lot of confusion
regarding this ban on what is allowed and what is considered obscene. I just
threw my dancing shoes away, you too best do that. While in Mumbai do as Mumbaikers
do, right?
9)
Lingerie on
mannequins - Lingerie clad mannequins
in shop windows are banned in Mumbai and Pune. Men get immoral thoughts on seeing them; boys
become rapists, so says the wise Mumbai Municipal Corporator. My, my.
10) Ban on Freedom Of speech- IIT-Madras bans
student groups for criticizing PM Modi and his policies, this is the latest ban
to make headlines.
And I better shut up now and close this list before the cops come
knocking on my door and the authorities decide to ban blogging. Let me put on
my Ray-Bans. There is too much of a kill-joy atmosphere going around for my liking.
No eating, no drinking, no dancing, no loving. What do mere mortals like me do then?
Sing Chee Chee Ban Ban to the tune of the 60s Hollywood number called Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!
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