Marriages Are Made In heaven!

Bhavna was studying at a prestigious Delhi University collage. She had dreams and aspirations like any other 20 year old, raised at Delhi’s NCR. She met a young and dashing senior at the campus. They fell in love and decided they wanted to spend the future together. Her family found out about the affair. They tried to convince Bhavna to change her mind.Told her the boy's caste was different. They tried their best to persuade her to forget her love. When nothing worked they strangulated her till life left her young body.

 A few years ago Nitish kataria, a dynamic young businessman dared to love a girl of another caste.He was beaten and  burnt alive. Such  events shock the intelligentsia of any country.

Urban India’s children fed on American soaps, burgers, pizzas, western dress and mall culture are mostly unaware of the social milieu of India. Indian caste ethos is not fully comprehended by them. Their source of information on Indian culture and society comes from Bollywood and rudimentary school text books. How are they suppose to understand the regressive and conservative mind set of their family elders?

Killing or harming your own child is the work of a pathological mind! No healthy parent can take such an action. No discussions warranted on this.

 Parents who oppose their children’s choice of future life partner on grounds of caste, religion and even gender, need to understand the basic mechanisms of how marriage works.

Marriage is one of the oldest social institutions that is in existence today. People marry for various reasons but to stay married compatibility is important. Compatibility can transcend all barriers and differences.

 I met my husband in Delhi University’s north campus 26 years ago. We belong to different castes and came from different regions of India. I couldn't  speak fluent Hindi and was quite ignorant of Bihar's social stratification . In spite of many  storms and turbulence we survived. Our marriage survived.

 My parents belong to different religious sects. They celebrated their Golden Wedding Anniversary (50 yrs) few years ago.

 Empathy,trust and giving each other space is some of the basic requirements for the smooth functioning of this remarkable institution. Religion, I believe is a private matter and caste  has no role to play in a marriage. Differences in culture, food and such other issues can  be worked on.

  

Whether by their own choice or by their parent’s choice couples marry and mostly remain so. Married couples live, work, raise children to the best of their ability and give companionship to each other especially in old age.  How does caste, religion, society or anyone else figure in the private lives of two individuals who have decided they want to live together?

    

Extra-Marital Affairs And All That Hullabaloo!

Some things in life irritate the hell out of me. Why should I allow them to affect me? Yet they do and I am left wondering why some people are so creepy and strange in their outlook and do I really want to associate with such negativity?

I am referring to some people who are all excited about Mr Digvijay Singh (twice chief-minister of M.P and General Secretary of Congress party, a 70 year old senior politician) having an affair with a journalist. Their pictures are being splashed across the media, making so-called pious and moralistic Indians go hysterical.

They reacted in the same way for Jawaharlal Nehru-Edwina Mountbatten, Shashi Tharoor -Sunanda Pushkar, J.F.Kennedy-Marilyn Monroe. But of course, when Hollywood stars and foreign politicians have extramarital affairs, then the whole world rumbles.

Everyone on earth is entitled to a private life, we are all different and fallible. So yes, frankly ANYONE'S private life is NO ONE else's business, period. Judging them does nothing for anyone.

The world is populated by  different types of people. Monogamy however, is simply not viable for a lot of folks. Are humans meant to be monogamous? That question has been debated for many years and while there isn’t any one answer, there are many different theories. The committed partnership between a man and a woman evolved mainly for the well-being of children and stability of society. Whatever it may be our civilization is, for the most part, monogamous. Despite the constant barrage of news stories about successful men and women having affairs, only about 25 percent of married people have an affair outside of their marriage.

Anyhow is it our concern what happens between two consenting adults? Sadly it seems yes, as a lot of people tend to put their noses where they don't belong. Gossip and slandering happens and this is both inhumane and insensitive. When aired on the media it sends a very fascist message to the world!

So am I saying that’s its ok to stray? Far from it! When partners stray their spouses get hurt, families break up and children feel insecure and have a tough time trying to understand. 90% people even in developed nations feel it is morally wrong to have extra-marital affairs.

Then what gets my goat? The reason is quite simple really, I hate people being judgemental and singing the moral raga! Who gives them the right to judge others? Each to his own- that should be the mantra. “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” said Eleanor Roosevelt, a wise American lady.

Unconditional love

A colleague of my husband once told him many summers ago that he should take care of two vital things in life. One- never marry without accepting a dowry; and second- never give birth to a child without a sex-determination test!

Alas my spouse did not follow either of the two advices.

Mind you this colleague is a highly educated, well to do,upper-middle-class officer with the Indian Government.

It’s such a pity that we Indians think this way about marriage and family.

Our highly skewed sex-ratio reflects this mind-set. Middle-class Indians mistreat their daughter-in-laws because her family did not “gift” them the certain brand of car or they did not laden her with yellow metal! I am not even talking about the rest of the Indian population here (they even kill for a car, fridge, house, job).

In the movie Two States, Ananya argues with the groom and tries to reason with him “Is your worth equal to an i-Ten car?” But sometimes it’s the daughter herself who wants to go loaded with consumer durables as she feels this will earn her the respect in her in-laws house. What a pathetic way to earn your place in your future house!

Open any newspaper and read the matrimonial, chances are the boy wants a fair, convent educated, and feminine girl of their own caste or community. The demands come disguised in words like “make your daughter comfortable, her future secure” etc.

Why do people of our country, especially in Punjab, Haryana, and Gujarat, despise the birth of girls?

A lady’s pride and position in her family is measured by how many sons she has! She too wants an assurance that she is able to produce at least one or two sons. So they go to any extent to ensure the male lineage is intact.

I have had complete strangers come up to me in Punjab and Delhi, asking me if I needed help in giving birth to a son. “It’s 100% guaranteed” they shamelessly told me.

How can people respect their mother-land when they have no respect for their woman?

How can you respect your wife when she reminds you of your bank-balance?

How can you ever love your daughter when she only brings thoughts of her impending marriage to your mind!

So then isn’t the love for your own family coming with conditions?

A man who can’t love his own family selflessly and unconditionally is a man only half alive.